It's a heart-shattering truth to realize you've never been part of a bonded family.
Many experience this but don't discuss it because it's hard to feel.
I have focused on growing, transforming, and learning new skills my entire life.
Now, I wonder how much my desire to change was to escape from a painful reality.
It's disorienting to talk about, to say the least.
But stay with me because I will offer some ideas to help those heal with similar experiences.
The Signs You Never Bonded
You may have grown up with people in the same household, but you never bonded as a family for whatever dysfunctional reason.
At some point, you realize that your family of origin is not the family you thought they were, and they may never meet you the way you long for.
This realization left me feeling angry and frustrated in one moment and grief-stricken in the next.
When I imagine myself interacting with said family, I feel the old dysfunctional patterns of communication creep in that have nothing to do with who I am now.
I wonder if they feel that way as well.
Before I continue, a caveat to my birth family. I don't mean to offend you. You may have some of the same ideas and feelings I expose in this writing.
My purpose here is only to unburden my heart and better understand why I am the way I am. Had to get that off my chest. Now, back to my story.
The Signs You Were Damaged by the Lack of Family
As children, we wholly depend on our families for safety and belonging, and how our family treats us impacts our emotional well-being.
Clinical Psychologist Carla Marie Manly said, “Many ‘lone wolf’ types are actually
adults who learned early in life that relying on others for love and connection is unsafe.”
“This deeply rooted feeling of ‘being alone in the world’ often creates unconscious habits that persist into adulthood.” As a result, they might tend to isolate themselves throughout life.
I can't recall how often I've called myself a lone wolf and felt alone in this world.
Without awareness of where these old stories began, we often take on feelings based on the idea that something is wrong with us: shame, guilt, and unworthiness.
As a result, similar patterns start to appear in people who feel abandoned by their families.
These include struggling to form connections with others. This makes sense to me because it's hard to know how to connect safely.
Because my parent had a mental illness, I chose to be alone rather than form relationships with someone whose behavior might be unpredictable.
I choose to meditate instead of experiencing anxiety, depression, and other mood disorders as a result of my unhealthy family origin. So that's probably a good thing.
Stop the Ancestral Trauma
But having a child, as I did, makes me aware that I don't want to pass these ancestral traumas to my family. It's an opportunity to make a change that can make a real difference.
Once we name the old story, we can change it and let the trauma go—in other words, we can be healed. Healing is simply letting go of blocked energy that no longer serves us.
New options become available due to this letting go, such as new friendships, workplaces, and romantic relationships start showing up in your life.
Your self-esteem grows, and aligning with and pursuing your life purpose seems more realistic and attainable.
Dreams and desires that had once been blocked and
seemed hopelessly out of reach now seem possible.
Grieving the Loss so you can Move on
Grieving is uncomfortable but an essential part of this process because it can lead you to liberation from the suffering of wanting your family to be something they are not.
As you let go of old longings regarding family, you likely will feel relieved. You unleash new energies in your life and those around you.
You might even be able to see these people more clearly: what they struggle with, their strengths, and what they enjoy. In other words, "Who the hell are they?" Now you can get to know them.
You stop trying to get something from them they cannot give. It becomes about being present with what is true for both of you now.
I'm not saying all of a sudden, said family will love you, and everything will be kumbaya.
They might be uncomfortable with your new behavior and not know how to respond. Don't try to change them. Just model the behavior of accepting and being okay with whoever they are.
You might find you can connect in ways you couldn't have imagined before. Or, it might be time to disconnect for good.
Now what? Creating a New Family
Although you feel free from these old dynamics, you now have to look elsewhere to find others with whom you can be heard and seen, people with whom you feel like you belong and are held in high esteem.
Friends. What the heck are those, am I right?
Don't feel bad if it's tough for you to make intimate friends. It's an outcropping of this jag you hit in the road. And now that you know what it is, you can fix it.
Celebrate that idea momentarily and be grateful for the chance to create something better in your life.
Soul Lessons of This Journey
I can't discuss this subject without wondering why my soul would want to travel on this journey.
Why did I choose this family? What were my soul challenges?
It turns out that the potential lessons from this life script are abundant. See if you resonate with any of these suggestions that you may be learning to ...
-Be independent if you have an over-controlling, angry, and critical mother.
-Create abundance in a family that was poor throughout my childhood.
-Shine with a mother who was threatened by my shining. (jealousy)
-Move beyond care-taking and love myself with a family that demanded care-taking.
-Connect with and trust my inner guidance in an atheist family.
-Seek an emotional connection with open and loving people outside of family.
-Heal the wounds from my rejecting family that created my fear of rejection.
-Help others from difficult families who lack a sense of self-worth.
-Receive from Spirit to help myself and others find the emotional connection we seek.
-Value compassion in an environment that lacked sensitivity.
I bet you noticed how your brother, who, for example, fought with your father because he wasn't the kind of dad he wanted. So, at 20, he married and had kids to create his own family and parent them the way he needed most but never received.
It's harder to see these patterns in ourselves.
I invite you to do this reflection today.
Think about what you wanted as a child but never received from your parents. Name it. Was it love, compassion, understanding, or kindness? Take time to grieve that loss.
Let yourself feel sad or mad, whatever it takes, and then let it go. For good. This old desire no longer serves you, and in releasing it, you free up more space in your life for love to flow in and creativity to flow forth from you.
Keep choosing love, everyone.